So Long and Thanks For All The Fish!

We’d like to thank everyone who has read and enjoyed our fake Mormon Bachelor blog… but we have
an announcement to make:

We’re bored.

Don’t get us wrong - we’ve had a blast. “The Mormon Bachelorette” is hilarious and we, like so many others, have enjoyed laughing and commenting on the ridiculousness of it all. But as the time comes for the actual “show” to kick off, we find that we seem to have gotten it all out of our systems.

“The Mormon Bachelorette” is funny; we laughed, we mocked it appropriately, we grew bored with it, and now it’s time to move on.

For a moment, we thought it might be fun to continue mocking “Reality Nephi’s” Michael Scott-like need to show the world (or at least his singles ward) just how funny he apparently thinks he is. But while “The Mormon Bachelorette is, and will no doubt continue to be hilarious (albeit unintentionally), the hard reality we had to face is that “Reality Nephi” was just plain dull from the start. There just doesn’t seem to be any sport in continuing to tease him. Nephi, since you are no doubt reading this, we wanted to thank you again for following our blog so closely and even taking the time to write about us in almost all of your postings. What can we say? It’s just time for us to move on from you, too.

So this is our last posting. Thanks again for reading!

Our final thought: good luck to Aubrey and the entire staff of “The Mormon Bachelorette!” We wish you the best, and hope that each one of you is able to find someone truly amazing.

{ Bachelorette #4 - Tori the Artistic Type }

TORI: I’m from Beaver, Utah. I decided to move to Provo for the super neat social life that is here.

INTERVIEWER: Are you going to school?

TORI: No. Just here for the super fun social life. Oh wait… AND because of Adam McKay! Ehh? Ehhhh? See how I worked that in at the end?

INTERVIEWER: Clever. What’s the most fun thing you’ve done since you moved to Provo?

TORI: The most fun thing I’ve done since I moved to Provo? I don’t think I have an answer to that. You see, I haven’t actually done anything genuinely interesting. Like I said, I’m here to be social. I didn’t move here for a job, or for school, or for any reason that might actually better myself or my life. So I guess I’ll say…. umm…. I went to a concert? Is that good?

INTERVIEWER: what’s your favorite Karaoke song?

TORI: That’s easy! My favorite song to Karaoke to is “On The Wings Of Love,” because it represents my favorite Bachelor couple of all time. Here, I’ll sing it for you.

INTERVIEWER: That’s OK.

TORI: It’s my pleasure

INTERVIEWER: Please, no.

TORI (Singing): Onnnnn the wings of LOVE!...

INTERVIEWER: STOP! STOP! For the love of all that is holy, CEASE THAT NOISE!!! My ears ARE BLEEDING!

Tori stops singing and regains composure while the interviewer stops the hemorrhaging coming from his ears.

INTERVIEWER:  What kind of music do you like to listen to on the radio?

TORI: I usually don’t listen to the radio. I’m not really into “music,” unless I’m singing. I usually stick to podcasts on crafts and home decorating, or extreme right wing political radio.

INTERVIEWER: What’s one adventurous thing you’ve always wanted to do?

TORI: Ummmm…. travel all the way around the entire world.

INTERVIEWER: To where?

TORI: You know, the world.

INTERVIEWER: Yes, but can you give me some examples of specific places you’d actually like to see?

TORI: Ummm… you know. Some… countries. And cities.

INTERVIEWER: I…. see. Have you been anywhere so far?

TORI: No. No I have not. But I LOVE to travel!

Awkward silence.

TORI: That’s just because I haven’t found the right guy to go with!!

INTERVIEWER: Awwww… that is so sweet! And in no way co-dependent. So, why would you date yourself?

TORI: I CAN DO THAT???? Since when??! That is GREAT NEWS!

INTERVIEWER: No, no – it’s just a hypothetical question.

Tori sits in silence, a blank stare on her face.

INTERVIEWER: It’s just a fake question.

TORI: Ohhhhhh (giggles) I would date myself because… I’m super fun, I’m super super, and… ummm.. I’m ALWAYS up for adventure. Have I mentioned that I always like to travel?

INTERVIEWER: Yes. Maybe we should move on.

TORI: Basically, I’m a just a triple threat.  Super awesome girl.

INTERVIEWER: Yes. Please. Let’s move on. What’s your ex-boyfriend’s favorite physical feature on you?

TORI: Hmmmm…. probably the fact that I was not taller than him.

INTERVIEWER: So why are yous till single?

TORI: I’m still single because …. I’m just like Jennifer Aniston.

INTERVIEWER: What does that mean?

TORI: Well, she’s really famous and beautiful, but she’s still single, right?

INTERVIEWER: Right.

TORI: Then yes, exactly. I’m just like her.

INTERVIEWER: You only have ten seconds until dying, and only Adam is around. What would you say, or do, in that final ten seconds?

TORI: Ummmm….

They sit in silence for twenty seconds.

INTERVIEWER: OK, let me try this again. You only have TEN seconds to answer this question.

TORI: Right.

INTERVIEWER: OK, go!

They sit in silence for another twenty seconds.

INTERVIEWER: OK, again. Ten seconds.

TORI: Uh huh.

INTERVIEWER: You need to answer the question.

TORI: I’m just trying to think of something really good.

INTERVIEWER: Ok, but, see, the point of the question is that you only have ten seconds. We want to see what you can come up with spontaneously. Right off the top of your head.

TORI: Ohhhhhh. OK. I get it now.

INTERVIEWER: OK, so – you only have ten seconds to live. You have to say or do SOMEthing. Go!

Tori sits in silence for 15 seconds, a blank expression on her face.

TORI: I’m sorry…were you talking to me?

INTERVIEWER: Perhaps we should wrap up.

TORI: I’m in it to win it!

INTERVIEWER: Yes, yes. Final question. What makes you so sure you’ll win Adam’s heart?

Tori laughs, confidently.

TORI: Hell-O? Have you READ the other applicant interviews? Mine is SO much better!

Awkward silence. From the distance, a cricket can be heard.

And He Came To Pass…

Only a few short minutes after we announced The Mormon Bachelor, we were flooded with super hot Bachelorette applications. In all humility, we’re really popular and a huge success.

But imagine our excitement when our already popular blog saw a huge spike in hits. At first, we couldn’t understand where these new visitors were coming from. After all, we certainly weren’t doing anything different than when we had first started. Yet SOMETHING was making more and more people come to our site.

So we did a little analytic research and discovered that we had gotten new visitors because another blog had been discussing our website at considerable length. And that blog ‘s name is “Reality Steve Nephi.”

Sure, we expected other blogs to visit our site and publish their thoughts and admiration, but Reality Nephi has gone above and beyond. In fact, to date, Reality Nephi has written about The Mormon Bachelor in literally 50% of his blog postings, spending half of the post discussing nothing but us. Think of that! His site is not affiliated with ours, and was created to discuss a different website… and yet he spends half of his time devoted to US.

This level of obsession dedication drove people to our website. And those people, having become fans of our site, told others. Who told others. And so on.

So we felt it was time to officially thank Reality Nephi for not only being a fan, but showing such active and unparalleled support. And to show our thanks, we wanted to give Nephi a special shout-out, and reward him by posting a real picture of him right here, on our insanely popular blog.

Thanks, Nephi! We’re honestly not sure we’d even still be doing this if it wasn’t for you!

(NOTE: The Mormon Bachelor Staff would like to stress that the above is an actual, accurate picture of Reality Nephi, and not just some prank perpetuated by the staff)

KA-CHING!

We’re thrilled to announce that “The Mormon Bachelor” has a new sponsor!

We’d also like to thank all of the companies that have offered “The Mormon Bachelor” such generous amounts of money to advertise with us and sponsor the show.  We’ve had almost as many businesses contact us as we’ve had beautiful girls!

But after much consideration, we’ve concluded that we love our fans and followers too much to clutter our website with ads from many different types of companies. At the end of the day, we decided to pick one company to be the official sponsor of “The Mormon Bachelor.” And after considering many, many ridiculously lucrative offers, we’ve chosen to partner with Website Talking Heads!

Website Talking Heads is the world’s premiere video spokesperson company and has helped companies all over the world to raise sales by up to 400%!

We’d like to thank Website Talking Heads for their extremely generous sponsorship. We’d especially like to thank WTH for the new BMW that was donated to Adam McKay (our Bachelor), and let the company know just how much our staff (and girlfriends) enjoyed the all-expense paid trip to Paris. 

But we don’t mean to brag. We realize that, these days, a blog would have to be essentially meritless to not have ANYone willing to sponsor them. But although we knew we’d have many offers, we weren’t prepared for just how insanely high these offers would be. And when the founders of Website Talking Heads! walked into our offices with two giant bags that had “$” signs painted on them, we knew our lives were about to change forever. And we knew we deserved it.

To have Website Talking Heads increase your company’s bottom line, simply click here:

http://www.websitetalkingheads.com/

Or use any of their contact info.  Tell them Adam sent you!

Website Talking Heads
245 W. 9000 S.
Sandy, UT 84070
801.748.2281

Bachelorette #1 – Meet Amber!

Remember that scene in the first Harry Potter movie, when thousands of letters came flying through the fireplace and filled the living room? That’s literally what it’s been like for us! Application after application, girl after girl! And on top of all of it, people keep asking us – WHO are we going to pick for the show?

Well buckle up, because you’re about to meet our First Official Bachelorette!

Meet Amber! A 22-year-old cosmetologist. Originally from Sandy, Amber is now on her very own in the big city of Sugarhouse, far away from the family and friends she grew up with. Her diverse interests include Nordstrom, The Cheesecake Factory, and  wakeboarding (but really she just likes to lay in the back of the boat in her modest bikini).  She is obsessed with “Twilight” and “The Hunger Games” and loves to play XBOX 360. At 5'2" and 105 lbs, Amber is a true original.

When asked why she is still single, Amber gave an answer so many single LDS girls can identify with: “I just haven't been able to find a guy that can provide for me the way that my dad can and treat me like the princess I am.”

Well said, Amber. Well said.

Amber was kind enough to not only send a video of her, but also of her beautiful Aunt. And what better way to get true insight to a person than to look at her family? So take a look at this video of Amber’s aunt, and enjoy!

(And don’t worry – het aunt is the one who is NOT getting arrested in this video)

Flattery Will Get You Everywhere

We’re thrilled at all of the positive attention our show is getting! Our website has gotten hundreds of thousands of hits and our staff can barely keep up with all of the applications we’re getting from quality, smokin’ women.  But perhaps the biggest indication of our self-stated (and therefore unquestionable) success is the recent rise of a particular “mock blog.”

Here at “The Mormon Bachelor,” we’re taking ourselves and our quest for love extremely seriously. This is not a joke or a vanity project. If the ABC hit “The Bachelor” has taught us anything, it is that emulating that show is the surest possible way to both live LDS standards and find eternal love.

But then comes “The Mormon Bachelorette,” an obviously fictitious website aimed at mocking our efforts to find true internet/reality based love for our Bachelor. At first, we found the website amusing. After all, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and the girl on the Bachelorette seems nice enough. And yes, we can see that “The Mormon Bachelorette” is clearly fake – a parody of modern vanity. We don’t want to seem like we don’t have a sense of humor. We get it – it’s a joke. We realize that we are not supposed to actually believe any normal, not-desperate male would agree to this process. And we will admit we laughed at the site’s intentionally hilarious interview and road trip videos and application questions.

But on some level, we can’t help but be disappointed. After all, we worked very hard on our website. We hand selected all of the blog clip-art ourselves, which makes it our professional property. Sure, being “professional” is defined by being paid for your efforts, which this does not qualify… but still! We think it speaks to how seriously we are taking this process.

But at the end of the day, this isn’t about us, or any mock blogs. This is about love. About finding Mrs. Right. It’s our sincere attempt to get as many girls as possible to convince us why they are worthy to go out with our Bachelor, and then to get over 20 to agree to pay to go out with our Bachelor, and to allow us to tape them for our amusement.  And not just our amusement, but YOUR amusement. You see, this was never really just about us. We were always thinking about YOU!

So go ahead - mock us all you want. But if our show isn’t the recipe for sincere, unconditional, eternal love…. we don’t what is.

ADAM’S INTERVIEW

Due to popular demand, we’ve interviewed our handsome Bachelor and have now posted the interview!

Surprisingly, we haven’t yet secured any advertising dollars for our show, so we can’t yet afford to buy a flip video camera. However, we’re confident that advertising money is coming. And the entire interview is below!

(If you’re interested in advertising, simply email our staff at mormonbachelorshow@gmail.com)

INTRO:

(Aaron, a handsome, blonde man walks out of the front door of a super awesome mansion. We assume that it is his. He must be rich.)

 AARON: Oh, hello. I didn’t see you standing there. Welcome to “The Mormon Bachelor.” My name is Aaron and I’ll be taking you through this journey to find true internet/reality based Mormon love.

(Aaron picks up a rose)

AARON: Over the next two months, Adam Mckay will be on a journey to have a great journey. The first round will consist of 22 eligible Bachelorettes. Adam will make out with all of them, but only choose 7 to move onto round two. Then the community – that’s YOU! – will choose the rest. There will be lots of good times, even better kissing, and then finally Adam will hook up with his one true internet/reality love.

(Aaron sniffs the rose and winks at the camera)

AARON: Will it be you…?

INTERVIEW:

(Adam wears the exact same pink t-shirt from his photo. We never see Adam’s full face – just his profile - too add mystery)

ADAM: Well, I’m born and raised right here in Utah Valley. I grew up in Lindon as an only child. I’m currently living in Orem, with my awesome roommates. I only have roommates because they are awesome. I could easily afford to live in my own place. And right now I have actually ventured into a new industry of insurance. I started by own business.

AARON: I thought you were already in the insurance business?

ADAM: I was. But that was only auto and life insurance. I’ve now expanded to home insurance. I call my business, “Insurance by Adam.” I’m very proud of that title.

AARON: As well you should be. We’ve already received quite a few applications.

ADAM: Of course.

AARON: As far as you’re concerned, what are you most looking for in a potential, oh…. let’s say, “partner?”

ADAM: Wow. That’s a hard one. So let me settle for a generic answer. I think I’m really needing a very trustworthy person. Someone that is completely honest with me.

AARON: But to be fair, that IS generic. Can’t you be a little more personal and honest, yourself?

ADAM: Well, naturally, when I say I’m looking for a “trustworthy” person, I mean, a “trustworthy person who has big boobs, who loves to make out and play video games, and doesn’t nag me.” But I think that implication is understood. After all, when a girl says she’s “just looking for a guy with a great sense of humor”, what she really means is: a “guy with a great sense of humor who is also tall, handsome, has all of his hair, makes tons of money, and loves to spend it on me.”

AARON: That’s fair. Speaking of making you laugh, let’s talk about the fun side of all of this. When is it appropriate, in your mind, to kiss on the first date?

ADAM: Well, I have a rule. A RULE. I do NOT kiss on the first date. I think it’s very important to develop that chemistry between each other without introducing anything physical. That said, if I feel like kissing a girl on the first date, I do think it’s appropriate to go ahead and break that rule.

AARON: And has that ever happened?

ADAM: Oh, heavens yes. Many times. I hope that doesn’t make me inconsistent to my self-stated ideals.

AARON: Not at all. And how did that work out, kissing on first dates?

ADAM: How do you think? Awesome.

AARON: Nice.

(Adam nods. So does Aaron. They both laugh)

AARON: So what you’re saying is that you’re a true gentleman, but if the girls apply for this show, they can expect to make out with you?

ADAM: Bingo.

AARON: There are quite a few girls that have applied online to be your Bachelorette. Have I said that already? I don’t want to sound like we’re overcompensating in this interview for a lack of applicants, because we’re NOT.

ADAM: Absolutely not.

AARON: The great thing about this adventure that you’re going on is that they will be planning the dates, and paying for the dates, so you’ll be able to see which girls are totally cheap, and which are generous. And when making out with you, they’ll have a chance to really showcase their enthusiasm and creativity. From your perspective, what makes a great first date?

ADAM: A great first date is somewhere we can just go together and just get to know each other and make out. Nothing too fancy. Just kind of keep it casual. I’m not shallow, or materialistic. I mean, as long as we are making out, what does it matter where we are? I don’t want to put any pressure on the girls. I just ask that they plan something completely different. Something that we’ve never done before, that we can experience together. That’s really not too much to ask.

AARON: So Adam, you are a Latter-Day Saint, correct? You are 31-years-old. Extremely handsome and great looking. Awesome body.

ADAM: Thank you.

AARON: The million dollar question that attractive, desirable guys like us are asked at some point in our lives is: Adam, why aren’t you married yet?

ADAM: Aaron, that’s a GREAT question. And I wish I knew the answer. Because, you’re right, I AM really good looking. I DO have a great body. And I AM an amazing catch. So it’s a total mystery to me. I honestly wish I could tell you I have any faults or flaws, but I’m just not aware of any. My ONLY answer that I can think of is that I just haven’t met a girl up to my justifiably high standards. Which makes me the victim in all of this. I really do deserve this show.

AARON: You really do. Thank you, Adam, for such a gracious interview. You’re a very impressive person.

ADAM: I agree. And it was my pleasure.

It's Raining Women!

WOW! We're thrilled to report that applications from quality girls have been pouring in! We can't say we're surprised (after all - just LOOK at our handsome Bachelor).  We're flattered and excited to start the interviews.

And don't worry, ladies... due to popular demand, we're going to post an intriguing interview with Adam for your reading pleasure (and we do mean "pleasure").  If you haven't applied already to have this man sweep you off your feet, after reading this you will wonder where he has been all your life!