TORI: I’m from Beaver, Utah. I decided to move to Provo for the super neat social life that is here.
INTERVIEWER: Are you going to school?
TORI: No. Just here for the super fun social life. Oh wait… AND because of Adam McKay! Ehh? Ehhhh? See how I worked that in at the end?
INTERVIEWER: Clever. What’s the most fun thing you’ve done since you moved to Provo?
TORI: The most fun thing I’ve done since I moved to Provo? I don’t think I have an answer to that. You see, I haven’t actually done anything genuinely interesting. Like I said, I’m here to be social. I didn’t move here for a job, or for school, or for any reason that might actually better myself or my life. So I guess I’ll say…. umm…. I went to a concert? Is that good?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your favorite Karaoke song?
TORI: That’s easy! My favorite song to Karaoke to is “On The Wings Of Love,” because it represents my favorite Bachelor couple of all time. Here, I’ll sing it for you.
INTERVIEWER: That’s OK.
TORI: It’s my pleasure
INTERVIEWER: Please, no.
TORI (Singing): Onnnnn the wings of LOVE!...
INTERVIEWER: STOP! STOP! For the love of all that is holy, CEASE THAT NOISE!!! My ears ARE BLEEDING!
Tori stops singing and regains composure while the interviewer stops the hemorrhaging coming from his ears.
INTERVIEWER: What kind of music do you like to listen to on the radio?
TORI: I usually don’t listen to the radio. I’m not really into “music,” unless I’m singing. I usually stick to podcasts on crafts and home decorating, or extreme right wing political radio.
INTERVIEWER: What’s one adventurous thing you’ve always wanted to do?
TORI: Ummmm…. travel all the way around the entire world.
INTERVIEWER: To where?
TORI: You know, the world.
INTERVIEWER: Yes, but can you give me some examples of specific places you’d actually like to see?
TORI: Ummm… you know. Some… countries. And cities.
INTERVIEWER: I…. see. Have you been anywhere so far?
TORI: No. No I have not. But I LOVE to travel!
Awkward silence.
TORI: That’s just because I haven’t found the right guy to go with!!
INTERVIEWER: Awwww… that is so sweet! And in no way co-dependent. So, why would you date yourself?
TORI: I CAN DO THAT???? Since when??! That is GREAT NEWS!
INTERVIEWER: No, no – it’s just a hypothetical question.
Tori sits in silence, a blank stare on her face.
INTERVIEWER: It’s just a fake question.
TORI: Ohhhhhh (giggles) I would date myself because… I’m super fun, I’m super super, and… ummm.. I’m ALWAYS up for adventure. Have I mentioned that I always like to travel?
INTERVIEWER: Yes. Maybe we should move on.
TORI: Basically, I’m a just a triple threat. Super awesome girl.
INTERVIEWER: Yes. Please. Let’s move on. What’s your ex-boyfriend’s favorite physical feature on you?
TORI: Hmmmm…. probably the fact that I was not taller than him.
INTERVIEWER: So why are yous till single?
TORI: I’m still single because …. I’m just like Jennifer Aniston.
INTERVIEWER: What does that mean?
TORI: Well, she’s really famous and beautiful, but she’s still single, right?
INTERVIEWER: Right.
TORI: Then yes, exactly. I’m just like her.
INTERVIEWER: You only have ten seconds until dying, and only Adam is around. What would you say, or do, in that final ten seconds?
TORI: Ummmm….
They sit in silence for twenty seconds.
INTERVIEWER: OK, let me try this again. You only have TEN seconds to answer this question.
TORI: Right.
INTERVIEWER: OK, go!
They sit in silence for another twenty seconds.
INTERVIEWER: OK, again. Ten seconds.
TORI: Uh huh.
INTERVIEWER: You need to answer the question.
INTERVIEWER: Ok, but, see, the point of the question is that you only have ten seconds. We want to see what you can come up with spontaneously. Right off the top of your head.
TORI: Ohhhhhh. OK. I get it now.
INTERVIEWER: OK, so – you only have ten seconds to live. You have to say or do SOMEthing. Go!
Tori sits in silence for 15 seconds, a blank expression on her face.
TORI: I’m sorry…were you talking to me?
INTERVIEWER: Perhaps we should wrap up.
TORI: I’m in it to win it!
INTERVIEWER: Yes, yes. Final question. What makes you so sure you’ll win Adam’s heart?
Tori laughs, confidently.
TORI: Hell-O? Have you READ the other applicant interviews? Mine is SO much better!
Awkward silence. From the distance, a cricket can be heard.
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